The Sartorial Implication
by LZ1982
Summary: "Amy and I have been experimenting with non-physical forms of intimacy." Humorous Sheldon/Amy one-shot. Spoilers through Season 6, nothing for Season 7.


Leonard, Raj and Howard sat impatiently in Leonard and Sheldon's living room.

"Sheldon!" Leonard called. "Are you coming or not?"

"I _said_, just a minute," Sheldon yelled from his bedroom.

"OK, this is ridiculous," Howard said. "Let's just start without him."

"Last chance, Sheldon!" Leonard said. "The _Star Trek: Into Darkness_ commentary track is starting in five-four-three—"

"All right, all right!" Sheldon hurried from his room, looking uncharacteristically disheveled.

"What were you doing in there?" Leonard asked.

"I was…taking a nap."

"You _never_ take naps. You told me they're a waste of time, and only for people who are too stupid to get enough sleep at night. And since when can someone taking a nap respond to questions with, 'Just a minute'?"

"Yeah," Raj said, "and since when does a person wake up from a nap with their clothes inside out?"

Sheldon looked down at the faint Batman logo barely visible on his chest. "Grammatically, Rajesh, that should be 'his or her clothes.' Would you excuse me?" He turned to go back into his room again.

"No!" the other three shouted.

"Yeah, I'm pausing this," Leonard decided. "Whatever's going on here is _way _more interesting."

"No, it isn't," Sheldon said.

Leonard began to tick off items on his fingers. "You disappear into your room in the middle of the day. You make up a lame excuse for what you're doing, which is apparently _more important than Star Trek_. And you're wearing the same T-shirt you were before, except now it's inside out. If you were anyone _but_ you, I'd assume this was some kind of weird sex thing. But since you _are_ you, that's obviously out."

"Yes," Sheldon said. "Obviously. If you must know, I just watched an a_lar_ming documentary on skin cancer, and I was giving myself an exam. You'll be happy to know I passed with flying colors. Or rather," he amended after a pause, "I should say I passed with _neutral_ colors, given that brightly colored moles are one of the hallmarks of skin cancer."

"Oh," Leonard said. "Yea!"

"Yup, you were right, Leonard," Howard said. "That was way more interesting than _Star Trek._ Plus, now I get the mental image of Sheldon naked as a fun added bonus."

"Much like the added bonuses we're about to enjoy on this collector's edition Blu-Ray." Sheldon settled into his spot. "Roll tape!"

Leonard picked up the remote again, glancing over at Sheldon as he did so. "You know your shirt is still inside out, right?"

"Oh, good Lord!" Sheldon exclaimed, jumping up and running to his bedroom.

"_Just fix it out here_!" Howard yelled after him. "You're wearing _another_ shirt under it, for God's sake!" He glared at Leonard. "Why'd you have to mention that? I told Bernadette I'd be home by six! Who knows, maybe while he's in there he'll decide to do another skin cancer check!"

Leonard looked curiously over at Sheldon's bedroom door. "Maybe…"

Later, after their friends had gone home, Sheldon settled in to work at his computer while Leonard channel-surfed. Not finding any programs that were more interesting than what he wanted to discuss, he turned the television off. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Ask away," Sheldon said.

"If you were checking yourself for skin cancer, why did you lie about it?"

Sheldon kept his eyes on the computer. "What do you mean?"

"You said you were taking a nap, which obviously wasn't true. Did you suddenly decide to be embarrassed about your hypochondria?"

"_First _of all," Sheldon said, swiveling around in his chair, "I am not a hypochondriac. I'm simply realistic about the preponderance of diseases, syndromes and genetic defects that can befall a human being. And secondly…" He hesitated before getting up from his chair and coming to sit on the couch. "Leonard," he said cautiously, "you're my best friend…"

"Sure I am. What's going on?"

"There are things I didn't wish to discuss in front of a personage such as Howard Wolowitz. But…you've been away for a few months, and certain…de_vel_opments occurred in your absence." Sheldon was avoiding eye contact.

"Such as-?" Leonard prompted.

"Such as—oh, _lots _of things. That copy shop down the street from us? It turned into a bank. And that pet store where Raj likes to buy dog clothes? It _also_ turned into a bank. But, specifically, as pertains to_ this_ instance…" Sheldon fiddled with his watch. "Amy and I have been experimenting with…non-physical forms of intimacy."

"Yeah. Is this about the Dungeons and Dragons sex? I was here for that."

"Yes, well, it began there. Since then, it's progressed to various other role-playing games, followed recently by the exchange of some suggestive text messages…and now, earlier today, I sent Amy what I believe is termed a 'selfie.'"

"Oh," Leonard said. "_Oh_."

Sheldon paused before clarifying, "A _naked_ selfie."

"Oh, I got that…"

"Which, as you might imagine, I did not think was appropriate for general consumption."

"Sure, sure. But you told _me_! Which is…great!"

Sheldon nodded. "You're a good friend, Leonard."

"Yeah, I know." Leonard paused, wondering if Sheldon would accept any ribbing on this topic. "So," he tried. "When do you get to see _her _naked?"

"_Leonard_!"

"Sorry! Sorry. But hey, it's only fair, right? If she's seen what _you _look like…"

"Well. In a manner of speaking."

"What do you mean?"

"In the picture I sent her, I was naked _by implication_. Look." Sheldon held out his phone, while Leonard hastily averted his eyes.

"I don't want to _look_ at it! Why are you making me look at—" Out of the corner of his eye, Leonard glimpsed the image. "A pile of your clothes? _That's_ the picture you sent Amy?"

"Of course."

"That's _not a selfie_, Sheldon!"

"Leonard, even with your meager grasp of physics, you must understand that objects in the physical universe cannot exist in two places at once. These were the clothes I was wearing today. These were the clothes Amy _saw _me wearing when we had lunch. Therefore, a picture of these clothes without me _in_ them suggests that I was naked while taking it. Oftentimes the _suggestion _of something illicit is more alluring than a graphic depiction. It's like an old Hollywood movie, you know, before the hippies and beatniks took over."

"What girl could resist?"

"Well, Amy certainly seemed to like it," Sheldon said defensively. "She texted me a smiley face licking its nonexistent lips."

"And how did you respond to that?"

"I wrote, 'Thank you.'"

"Well, Sheldon, as weird as it sounds—which is very weird—I'm sure that was a big step for you. So…congratulations."

Sheldon's phone buzzed, and he looked down at the screen. "Oh, dear."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Don't you get it?" Amy asked Penny excitedly. "Sheldon sent me a picture of his clothes, which means he wasn't _wearing _any."

"Oh," Penny said. "Fun!"

Amy scrolled through her phone records. "So then I sent _this_ to him."

Penny took the phone, expecting to see a pile of wool and polyester. What she actually saw was considerably more explicit: Amy wearing what she probably thought of as a come-hither smile, and nothing else. She lowered the phone to see Amy smiling almost as widely.

"That's right, Bestie," Amy said. "I'm kickin' it up a notch!"

END


End file.
